At A Moments Notice...

When you really think about it, relationships suck--especially the really good ones because they always seem to force you to look at the shit you don't want to look at, or haven't had the nerve to look at. Good relationships make you nervous, anxious, and at times down right miserable. They don't allow you room to breathe, or adequate time to come up with excuses for your over done habits. Good relationships demand you come correct, or don't come at all; and most of us (believe it) would rather not come at all. Who wants to be confronted on their shit? Especially if you've grown rather comfortable with it? Even moreso if you've grown comfortable with it. The shit, my shit, our shit becomes a part of who we are--and how dare anyone not deal with it!

And so I guess the statement: "This is who I am: take it or leave it!" finally makes sense.

The shit is funny! In so many ways we'd rather be miserable than change our debilitating habits. We'd rather lie and say we're fine just the way we are, than admit the way we are is causing our life not to work. Revelation: Happiness is not a science, finding ways to hold onto things that aren't working, is.

Where this is coming from I don't know. Where it's headed I'm even more unsure. In the past this would have bothered me. I've always needed to know where things are, and where they're going, primarily so I could control it. But I have to stop that and move beyond my control dramas and peacefully allow life to be.

In truth I've always had problems with relationships. I often see myself as a giver, and everyone else as a taker. That may be the case, but then again it very well may not be. I think for the most part we all see ourselves as victims of life. I believe we see life as this force that has its way with us, fucks us over then leaves us for dead. I believe much of our time is spent wrestling with life eager to gain the upper hand as if therein lies our power, our destiny, our truth. But I truly believe life has no desire but to fulfill its self. It is after all, what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

Alas change is upon us again. And like so many others, my piscean brother included, I question what lies ahead and what it will do to my relationships. Relationships I cherish; relationships that mean every thing to me. But like MLK I can't worry about that now...I've got work to do.